Simply this ~
Happy New Year.
The Wink is a labor of love, occasional source of ire and constantly influenced by the toddlywinks in my life- my daughters. There's also the HunkyWink. You'll read all about them as The Wink unfolds. Please feel free to wink back!
Simply this ~
Labels: Mama Sap
We've been in Seattle for less than 24 hours. I love this city, always so full of promise without any level of intimidation, like the cool kid in school who was genuinely nice. I was out on my sister's patio admiring the stormy cityscape, familiar butterflies and exhilaration hitting me as the lights winked at me from across the water.
I received an email from Bella Cucina and I saved it, thinking, "That's just lovely. I should tuck it away for inspiration." Before I could share it with anyone I got another email from them and oh-my-holy-fucking-jutting-sternum!
We stood together in the fading afternoon light, muted gray shadows blanketed the tired snowdrifts and the cool wet air snapped at our fingers. The mill, out of sight in the distance, burped its familiar clouds and as they sailed higher they lost their form. How strange to be so strong and present and then, like that, gone.
Some days you glow and some days...
Life, though amazing and wondrous of late, can be ever so complicated. This evening, just shy of seven o'clock, Sean was still at work, the girls were at the zenith of their nightly I-need-you-and-I-must-do-everything-at-an-eardrum-bleeding-decibel, I hit the proverbial wall. The ligaments holding this little Rockette wanna-be in my belly made themselves known, declaring it quitting time and leaving me feeling as if a 15 pound boulder might just base jump from my uterus and break through my pelvic floor (please don't humiliate me in the comments by saying that what I have just described isn't possible with the female anatomy, I take care of it, but I don't totally grasp the whole architecture therein.)
Pessimism has never been my bag, it just serves no purpose. Now with kids, and knowing how fleeting time really is, I want to waste as little time as possible. The last three years have been an exercise in cutting away all which does not enrich, no more time-sucks that create tension, no more friends that take, take take and a whole lot more things that bring joy, create memories and add meaning.
I'd really been relishing the still, rolling the tangy excitement of suspense around in my mouth and luxuriating in toe curling "What will happen if I take this road?" and "What might be waiting down this path?" kind of wondering. It felt good to have opportunity sprouting up around me, but I can only be entertained with that kind of sitting on my hands type daydreaming for so long. Things are poised to change, and that is wonderful, but life mustn't stop while the future takes it sweet time making itself known.
Three years ago the phone rang, it changed my life and I remember everything about that moment. I'd been back at work for a few weeks, Briar was barely three months old and I was quite simply crippled with my longing for her. I was consumed with guilt at spending forty hours a week at a job that I loathed, working for people who didn't respect me and who operated from a playbook that I didn't have. A mortgage and health insurance kept me going back, and each night as I held Briar in my arms I wept.
Ok, not really. These were all really taken with a cute little Canon with image stabilization, which is handy, but not foolproof, or Amanda-proof, as it were.
I don't know what is more difficult, describing the sheer wonder of pregnancy and its ability to illuminate power and beauty in your body that you never imagined, or trying to articulate the staggering force of the stupidification that is being pregnant. I'd wager I had higher functioning IQ days in college after truly grievous damage done through the use of alcohol and bad company. (not the band, the ditzy friends and questionable guys).