Is it just me?
Our house is on the market.
I am growing my hair out.
Briar has started kindergarten.
Avery is in pre-school.
Fin keeps flirting with weaning.
I am at home part time and at work part time.
It feels a bit like I am chasing my own tail, with each day bleeding into the next. Lunches to make, clothes to fold and put away, projects to finish, promises to keep. I am never done. I keep trying to determine if it is just the inevitable fatigue and subsequent acceptance that it can't all get done, everyone can't be made happy, or if it is something else.
Am I missing something? Pursuing the wrong thing? Fighting the wrong battles? Or, am I simply slipping into a chapter of my life where I am more aware of death than birth, more drawn to arriving than pursuing?
I rapture in the girls and long to do the same with Sean. We are never not working, parenting, cleaning or chasing a deadline.
Does it slow down? Can we slow down? I mean, if we do slow down, will our lives follow suit, or will we just fail?
I sputter and start, vowing to view things from this perspective or that, but the truth is, I yearn for winter. I want the dark shadows of snow and shorter days to give me the license to pause. I want to stir soup and match socks, tuck little girls into downy blankets and cuddle in for the night with Sean.
Melancholy laps at my feet when I get this way, knowing that I am wishing away today for the perceived promise or relief of tomorrow. I don't want to miss anything, don't want to rush through a phase, but lately it feels as if something doesn't give I am surely going to stumble.
Am I alone?
.
Labels: Me
posted by Amanda at
8:18 AM
27 Comments:
"We are never not working, parenting, cleaning or chasing a deadline." Me too, me too, me too.
I sort of yearn for winter too, but then I remember the piles of snow and the extra work that creates I want fall to last forever.
You are not alone.
September 20, 2009 9:31:00 AM PDT
Lie with bigger kids is busy. Not that life with little kids isn't busy, but it's a different kind of busy. I find that we're always running somewhere now: school, piano lessons, hockey, dance, play dates. The kids are happy and it's a full, lovely life, but sometimes I feel that I can't catch my breath, you know?
Also, I always get a little melancholy at this time of year. Not sure why, but it happens swiftly and predictably.
September 20, 2009 9:33:00 AM PDT
It goes on. The way you describe. Until one day
they are past and gone. And that they were the
very best years.
September 20, 2009 9:58:00 AM PDT
You are so far from alone! I feel this exact way and talk about it constantly on my blog ... the sense of wanting to get through this but also simultaneously knowing that the very thing I'm wishing away is the richness of life.
Sigh.
Thank you for putting it so beautifully.
Lindsey
www.adesignsovast.com
September 20, 2009 11:26:00 AM PDT
I guess having three little ones to raise it's not at all easy.
I have only two but am also constantly pursuing, chasing, trying to finish something,
Now that summer has gone, like you I'm also looking forward to cosy night ins, comfort food and time to chill out. Hope we all manage to achieve that ( at least).
:)
September 20, 2009 11:42:00 AM PDT
it's not just you
September 20, 2009 12:22:00 PM PDT
You are so not alone. I feel like I am constantly rushing from one thing/place/kid/project to the next. Always rushing and not sure if anyone really gets all of me. I am longing for winter too, in the hopes that things might feel slower? Seems kind of a whacky way to think, but maybe it's spot on.
John keeps telling me that even though it's so hard right now we'll look back and only remember the good stuff.
September 20, 2009 1:01:00 PM PDT
You're not alone, and I think you've got a leg up because you're cognizant of it. Or at least I'll keep telling you (and me) exactly that.
September 20, 2009 4:19:00 PM PDT
You're so not alone. I too have been wondering the same thing. Does it ever slow down? Will I ever have time for myself again? Will we ever be able to connect like we used to or is this it?
September 20, 2009 5:33:00 PM PDT
"It feels a bit like I am chasing my own tail, with each day bleeding into the next. Lunches to make, clothes to fold and put away, projects to finish, promises to keep. I am never done. I keep trying to determine if it is just the inevitable fatigue and subsequent acceptance that it can't all get done, everyone can't be made happy, or if it is something else."
This is BRILLIANT! And as much as I hate to say it, it doesn't really get easier, or less busy as the kids grow up. It's busy now but in the years to come it will be a different kind of busy. Not really any harder or any easier than the busy you have today - just different. Just different.
The calendar is sometimes my best friend and sometimes the ultimate enemy. Believe it or not sometimes you have to schedule those special times with the hubby and sometimes you just have to through the schedule OUT and take some time BACK and spend it slowing down and spending time with those that really matter.
September 20, 2009 5:48:00 PM PDT
Definitely not alone. I think life speeds up every year. I suppose it won't slow down again until the kids are all grown.
September 20, 2009 6:25:00 PM PDT
First of all, as a mother of four, let me tell you I completely hear you! Months ago we created a Slow Family Living handbook. Just recently we revisited it and I am happy to say it is loaded with good tools to help families find their own level of slow. It's not just the speed, it's the connection.
September 20, 2009 9:09:00 PM PDT
Not alone at all. I never feel like I'm doing anything well these days.
I heard someone say that they felt they were doing enough to keep everyone disappointed.
Wish I were either the type of mom or designer to just say done is better than perfect, but I'm not.
Take care of yourself, mk
September 21, 2009 5:18:00 AM PDT
What you're experiencing now I yearn for. Days at home with my little girl, pickups at pre-school, the precious nap time....I'd give anything to back at that point in time. It goes fast.
September 21, 2009 7:35:00 AM PDT
You're heading into autumn, and like Janet says, it could be the melancholy that tugs at your heart when summer nights start fading away. I'm starting to feel melancholy because of the change that's about to hit my life as well. It's okay to stumble- you have 4 amazing people to catch you if you do.
September 21, 2009 9:43:00 AM PDT
Right there beside you, friend. Not enough time for anything. Not enough time, especially, for quiet reflection and writing out my heart and mind.
Just not enough. I long for winter, too.
September 21, 2009 10:19:00 AM PDT
There is a speed to it - and a slogging, at the same time.
Perhaps I am aware of the slogging, today, on a soggy day - when in ATL we are threatened by floods and it rains and rains and impossibly rains. And me, forever without an umbrella -
But. My point is this: how does it all go by so fast and yet each day has so much in it to "get through," and do we miss the excellent in the face of so darned much mundane?
No, you are by no means alone. Or maybe we're all alone in parallel? Beautifully said, in any case. Thank you.
September 21, 2009 12:15:00 PM PDT
Actually, I think you're in pretty good company...all these comments... All of us treading water, just keeping our chin above water level and all plates spinning in the air. Courage, we say here, bon courage...
September 21, 2009 1:28:00 PM PDT
I think you commented on the post wherein I admitted to be running low on "it". Wondering how people do it. Keep up.
There is a deadline in life. And I don't think keeping that in mind is a bad thing, really, if you use it to remain present. At least this is what I'm telling myself.
September 21, 2009 2:49:00 PM PDT
NOT ALONE!!!
September 21, 2009 5:58:00 PM PDT
i am here with you. hugs. xo
September 21, 2009 6:14:00 PM PDT
It's not just you. I keep thinking I'm going to run into myself on the plane - going in the wrong direction for that particular day.
Run, run, run. Chase and chase. And yet, it never seems fast enough OR slow enough.
September 21, 2009 6:38:00 PM PDT
Anne's comment is so true. These are the hardest and most tiring years, but also the best and most rewarding. Yin and Yang. Perfect.
September 23, 2009 9:46:00 AM PDT
Oh... you are so not alone. I am totally there with you. Never done. I'm just never done.
September 23, 2009 5:44:00 PM PDT
Oh so not alone...I try to think of what Anne said....we do it day by day and then the days are gone. Our house will be clean and quiet. Our laundry will be folded and put away...and then we will only long to have the chaos back. I try to keep that perspective but it is soooo not easy!
September 27, 2009 7:24:00 AM PDT
i feel exactly the same way.
September 27, 2009 8:38:00 PM PDT
i am totally feeling that vibe too:: i think when so many things change at once, it is more than natural to want/ need to pause and take it all in and process it. digest it. hopefully you can find a free moment in there for you!
September 28, 2009 11:51:00 AM PDT
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