Come find me here!
It's for keeps :)
The radio was playing a song from I knew from home, a download of Sean's that the girls had taken to.
I found God on the corner of First and Amistad.
Don't worry, this isn't a post about religion, you won't find those here. This is about tapping into the childhood belief in perfection. This singer's voice is as close to it for me as it gets. I think it comes from the presence of it in the earliest months with two babies. Holding them in my arms and dancing, his voice wrapping us in a place that nothing existed but petal-soft skin, tickling tendrils and a sense of having accomplished the impossible. Rapture.
Driving down the road with that voice filling the car and my babies elsewhere, I found myself holding my breath wishing for perfection. I tried to will away the mistress countdown all too present in the news, I tried to make the ripples of another work day bleeding into family time fade away, I imagined no lines on my face, a morning of waking up and looking better than the day before, of not faltering.
I wasn't listening to the lyrics, just letting the texture of the singing take me back to summer days with nothing on my mind but the next feeding, no dashed hopes, no demands for more than I felt I had to give. A stop sign broke my reverie and I wondered if it has been me demanding more, judging my todays as less than my yesterdays for something that has nothing to do with daughters, or if it is my daughters surging forward in an inevitable gallop to autonomy. Does this really happen now?
How cruel for the demands of work and the tolls of time to play out at their most potent yet at just the moment when I wish I could feel vibrant and present. Sean calls to me, part dutiful seduction to keep me from the demons lapping at my feet, part habit of best friend and partner wanting more. It is a blessing and a curse as I feel one more conflict.
And yet, as I write, I feel the ripples of today— a morning snowman romp, gingerbread cookie decorating, kissing in the kitchen, family dinner. A cuddle with my sweet Briar, as unable to fall asleep as I am, stroking my face and me hers, and then walking her to listen to Sean and the boys play. Laughing as Ave pounded a glass of milk and Sean tousled her hair calling her, my little Amanda Magee." Nursing Fin in the sandbox as more snow fell.
I realize that I live life unedited, each moment aware of choppiness and grit, but just hours later, the reel running in my memory is the perfection I've chased. No more running for this day, tomorrow may bring another pursuit , but tonight I'll wrap myself in the perfection I've found.